All About Love: New Visions

There aren't many public discussions of love in America outside of popular culture -- movies, music, books, magazines -- but there should be, because lack of an expansive understanding of and capacity for love is behind much that is wrong in our society. When bell hooks noticed that the world she was living in "was no longer open to love" and that "lovelessness had become the order of the day," she decided to write about it. "I began thinking and writing about love when I heard cynicism instead of hope in the voices of young and old," she says. The result is a book that's a refreshing change from relationship advice books that completely overlook the cultural context of love -- the ways in which love is difficult for both men and women, but especially for women, in a patriarchal culture; the ways in which a more expansive understanding of love is sorely needed to set things right in a country run by fear. hooks begins by addressing the pervasive confusion about what love is, defining it as M. Scott Peck does: "The will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." The chapters in which hooks names "the ways we are seduced away from love" read as a litany of soul-corroding cultural norms. There is, most fundamentally, injustice to children in dysfunctional families in a culture where family dysfunction is normalized. Then there's the increasing prevalence of lying in public and private transactions alike, most recently exemplified in the Enron scandal and the priest-pedophile scandal in the Catholic Church. There's the cultural obsession with power and domination instead of a love ethic. (hooks pulls no punches when she states: "An overall cultural embrace of a love ethic would mean that we would all oppose much of the public policy conservatives condone and support.") There's also the vast and unending greed encouraged by a consumerist society. And last but not least, there's our collective fear of and at the same time worship of death. (What else could explain the great popularity of movies saturated with violence, such as "Lord of the Rings"?) Then there are the chapters where hooks explores the importance of self-love, the reality of divine love, the crucial role played by friendships and communities, the role of romantic love in helping us resolve and transform family-of-origin wounds if approached consciously, the real healing power of true love, and the yearning for love that lies behind the popular fascination with angels. The only topic I found missing from her comprehensive look at love is biophilia, that love of nature named by Harvard biologist Edward O. Wilson. I'm coming to realize that any concept of intimacy with our particular place on earth is sorely absent from most American lives, imperiling our planet's health as well as our own. Throughout the book, it's hooks's personal revelations that make what she says credible and that especially strike a chord in me. I found in her a sister spirit. Just my age, she could be describing my relationship history when she describes her own. And herein lies my biggest quibble with the book: wishing to avoid the kind of disappointments in relationships with men I've had in the past, I want to believe that I can find satisfying love with a male, but the many generalizations hooks makes about men in our culture make me wonder. I fear she may be right when she says that "most men feel that they receive love and therefore know what it feels like to be loved; women often feel we are in a constant state of yearning, wanting love but not receiving it" (p. xx). According to hooks, many, if not most, men under patriarchy tell lies "to avoid confrontation or taking responsibility for inappropriate behavior" (p. 36), "use psychological terrorism as a way to subordinate women" (p. 41), "are especially inclined to see love as something they should receive without expending effort . . . . [and] do not want to do the work that love demands" (p. 114), are usually prevented by sexist thinking from "acknowledging their longing for love or their acceptance of a female as their guide on love's path" (p. 156), "are convinced that their erotic longing indicates who they should, and can, love . . . . [and] tend to be more concerned about sexual performance and sexual satisfaction than whether they are capable of giving and receiving love" (pp. 174, 176), and "choose relationships in which they can be emotionally withholding when they feel like it but still receive love from someone else. . . . [and ultimately] choose power over love" (p. 187). Hmmm. Men, what do you say to this? Can you deny it? "Profound changes in the way we think and act must take place if we are to create a loving culture," writes hooks. I, for one, would welcome those changes and am working on making them in myself. Despite being marred by unfortunate typos ("Living by a Love Ethnic" [viii], "perfect love casts our fear" [220]), this is a courageous and important book that should be read widely and taken to heart.

This text forces you to CONFRONT yourself and your beliefs on love and how you love. I will probably find myself returning to this book over and over again in my own healing journey. Bell Hooks the world is diminished without you

Everyone buy this book!! RIGHT NOWWW!! IT SOOO GOOD 1000000/10!!! My new favorite!! Cannot stress enough how amazing bell hooks is!!

This was my first book by bell hooks, and it definitely won't be my last. I've always been a lover of love...not just romantic love, but the idea of it, the practice of it, and everything it requires of us. That's what made All About Love resonate so deeply with me. This isn't simply a book about romance. It's about how we define love, how we fail to practice it, and how much better our relationships, families, and communities could be if we treated love as an action instead of just a feeling. My favorite chapter was the one about love and the relationship between adults and children. I agreed with every word. It didn't challenge my thinking...it validated it. I've long believed there's a disparity in how adults and children are treated in relationships and that children deserve more grace, respect, care, and love than society often affords them. bell hooks put words to thoughts I've held for a long time, and it was comforting to know someone else saw it too and articulated it so beautifully. One thing that fascinated me after finishing was seeing the vast differences in readers' reviews. In a way, I think those differing perspectives reflect the very society bell hooks writes about. We don't all define love the same way, value it the same way, or expect the same things from it. This book only strengthened my belief that love is a choice, a practice, and a responsibility. More than anything, I walked away wishing more people chose love...not just the feeling, but the daily practice of it.

Ms.Hooks wrote an insightful, eye opening read that captures your attention and invites you to dig deeper below the surface of what shapes your ideals on love. There are many reviews here that make complaints about the book not having any profound meaning beyond the quotes she used to support her claims and this is far from the truth. Obviously the depth in this read went over their heads as it takes a level of emotional intelligence to extract the layers of wisdom present in this book. While I do feel the quotes add to the over context of the book, I actually feel her words hold their own and in some instances she could've done away with them! (sidenote: there are alot of dusties and pickmes in the comments that completely ignored the underlying message to take accountability for their feelings instead of projecting. I guess this is something not everyone will possess the objective mindset to grasp, but I digress.)... Here are some pros and cons: Pros: -Ms. Hooks spoke of developing a "love ethic" and I enjoyed the way she framed this concept into the book as it insinuates we should implement boundaries and include them in the way we love, much like we would adapt discipline within our work ethic. This speaks to having integrity to our commitments, which I never thought of in the way it was described. -She was direct and impartial (but still tactful) when it came to addressing misogyny and its role in what she deems "loveleness" in society. (This is what seemed to really trigger the XYs in the review comments) And as a person like myself who is critical of unfairness, I can say that she was very articulate about speaking on the topic and IMO, she spared them in some instances! The problem is that everyone thinks accountability is an attack and its not. I will say she had just as much constructive criticism for women as she did for men. -She contextualized love in many different aspects of life outside of just the notion of romantic love (i.e. religion/spirituality, career, family of origin, death, addiction ,etc.) Also, she addressed the notion of self love through being in solitude, which is the only place we can truly find fulfilment and connectedness. Honoring the essence of our "inner child" is the only way we can uncover the mysteries of our souls! However, she also made it a point to mention that paying the self love you have created forward into the community, and external relationships increases its potency even further. This nuanced view of love allows us to see it as an instrument and tool of virtue to help us in even in day to day life and not always within the transactional context of relationships, where we often search for the abstract sense of fulfilment that is seemingly unattainable. -She exposes the unhealthy cycles within what we deem to be love relationships which shows how the word "love" is often taken out of context and at the expense of those who end up mimicking these patterns in toxic relationships. We search to uncover its true meaning in all of what is external but dont understand ourselves from an internal POV that enables us to encounter these experiences. -Despite being able to articulate logical perspectives on love, she still holds it as sacred and honors it. In the tone of her words lay an unfadeable joy and optimism surrounding the possibilities of love and this is something many people struggle to do with a sense of balance. (Many are either too trusting or too jaded.) -One of the main things she debunks is the myth we learn, often from our dysfunctional upbringings is that "love can coexist with abuse" and this is the root of misogyny being normalized. It seems so simple, but most people struggle with putting these things into practice within their own relationships. Childhood trauma is acted out in relationships, and we begin to conflate love with other things/begin to operate in ego or a need for power instead of from an authentic space. Cons -While although I feel Ms.Hooks intended to provide a balanced perspective about the gender politics between men and women, there are certain moments in which I feel her statements dont fully consider how deeply rooted patriarchy has become. (For example she makes reference to women not accepting men "being honest" and I feel this is something both genders struggle with, especially if men's struggles with rejection were factored in, leading to many women being brutalized for not giving out their number or leaving an abusive relationship.) Her attempts to soften the blow to male ego appears slightly tone deaf at times and is the only thing I find that hinders some of her statements. I find it ironic, because somehow they view her talking point as bitter and completely ignored the eloquent points of view and insight she has offered. Overall, I enjoyed the structure of this book and how she goes into detail about both the components of love itself as well as the factors hindering its ability to thrive or exist peacefully. This is one that you keep on the bookshelf and reread every few years. This is a work that the reader must grow with!

This book is so deeply kind and compassionate in nature. Bell Hooks chose to study and ponder on love like it was her life’s mission and I believe it is. I love all of the quotes and references she has to other books and poets that she has been inspired by. Love is what we all need and the lack of it and the devaluation of it is likely what is causing all the pain and turmoil in our world. I believe that things can and will get better as we all choose to be more loving and turn our hearts and minds to opening loves pathways. This book has changed me and mended me. I am very grateful for the wisdom and love within its pages.

bell hooks wrote her entire soul into this deeply cultural and philosophical book that totally reframed how I think about love. After reading this book, I was challenged to look at what I learned and observed about love through my family and work to unlearn what I thought love was. True love challenges the patriarchy and allows us to advocate for ourselves through self-love and self- reflection. bell hooks' collections are a must-read!

This book isn't just a romance book, there's way more in here than that. There a chapter about divine love, there's one about how past experiences effect your love life now, and more. 5 stars!

Omg, it changed the meaning about love what I thought from childhood. It is essays about love. It is very depth takes time to process. A must read by teens, parents and everyone.

A very gentle & loving reading session, covered so many important topics that we need to shed light on. You’d want to read it over and over again during your time, and it made me reflect on so many things. I noticed that it helped me break down beliefs I had and fears that held me back. Hope you love reading this as much as I did.

Now I want to read more of her work. What a way to understand Love and relationships of all kind, not only romantic

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Excellent read! This book changed the way I think about love and relationships.